I don't know where else to go.

Right now I'm feeling super alone and distant from everything. I've missed probably four of my last 6 classes at uni and I've just been at home doing nothing. I've done 1 assessment for my whole course and I may possibly fail this semester. Today I completed my special consideration form and I'm going to hand it in tomorrow. But I hope the time I get more will be productive rather than a prolonging of the burden of doing the work.

I'm going through a depression that seems worse than last time. It seems as though every time I go through it, it gets worse and worse each time. I don't believe in myself right now or really anyone right now. The thing I struggle with most is the fact that I was at a point where I thought nothing could go wrong and my energy and high for God was so amazing, but right now I question the reality of it. It's an odd thought that I would question right now if God will come through for me, even though I know that he's taken me out of this storm so many times. But I still have fear, I still have doubt regardless of how close I was with him. I need God to do something for me, do anything please.

It's obvious why I'm posting it here since I know you guys are reading it. I guess I just wanted you guys to get a glimpse of what I'm going through. I really need help right now, I can't do this alone I guess. My only escape right now is my computer games, it's not productive but it's the only thing that gives me peace at least for a while. I don't know how to deal with depression at all.

The things that need to get done for me right now practically but are being hindered are :
- My log book
- My assignments
- My lessons on love for youth which I don't know how I will do when I don't feel like I know anything about God's love right now.
- Cleaning my room

Everything that is mentioned about these things just make me feel like I'm letting down everyone and ultimately myself.

Nothing profound I guess, just the straight up truth about everything I am going through.

I only ask for help when it's too late it seems, foolish mans pride I suppose. Somehow I even have that even while my world seems to be falling down rapidly.


So my only prayer right now is "God please do something, I need you to do something for me." amen.

Peter.

Celebrating the victories

I praise God that I'm able to remove starcraft 2 off my computer. It's probably the biggest thing I've done and also one of the hardest things. I know there's still a long way to go, but yeah I'm gonna take this moment just to praise God for this victory. It's a small victory but never an insignificant victory.

The thing that has been on my mind lately is that there is more. This idea I got from Rob Bell's "Everything is spiritual". So often I find myself stuck in a cycle of sin and just selfish worldly thoughts. But I guess reminding myself that there is more to life than this is another thing I need to praise God for. Just as the Jew's back in Jesus time thought that all they had was a life of oppression and so rejected the saviour we often do that too without knowing it. Sometimes we forget that there is more. We think about it and Jesus came to the world preaching about this something more. This something more was and still is the Kingdom of God.

Isn't it it time we stop being so ignorant and blind to what God has to say for our lives? How many times do we fall into worldly thinking and declaring that this is all I have and I need the Messiah to put on his helmet so that we can conquer and take over the world, I am a chosen of God aren't I? And Jesus's response is "there's more".

Jesus is telling me that there's more all the time. But sometimes all I can see is my falling and failings, my inaction and everything is just not going right. I feel so lonely and disheartened at times because I feel like there's nothing else, that there is no direction or moving forward in my life. I guess the fact that Jesus is telling me there's more all the time, is a struggle because it's so hard to truly believe when lifes not going the way you believe it should be.

Another thing that I learnt from Rob Bell's dvd is that throughout Jesus ministry and life, Jesus never referred to a spiritual life. For example if you asked Jesus how's your spiratual life, He wouldn't reply that oh spiratual life is good, but you know life on earth it's a bit time bound. Why? Because life is spiritual, hence the title of the dvd "Everything is spiritual".

So if everything is spiritual, and there's more. Then there is so much to look forward to. Even if I don't know what that is. Jesus is always telling us that there's more at the essence of everything. There's more to life then my failings, theres more to life than my education, there's more to life then my family and friends. There's is God and His kingdom.

My loneliness, His love. My education, His wisdom. My tiredness, His strength. My sin, His cross. My death, His resurection. My failings, His victory.My worthlessness, His grace.

I'm struggling right now with epic withdrawal. So my prayer right now, is for me to get back to basics. Well start the basics because I never did get the basics down in the first place. So yeah simply that I would be able to seek God in His word, worship and prayer. Not because my actions are enough, but because the effort is worth it. That He is worth it. By His grace I will get through this stronger for his Glory.

Praise Jesus, because all praise belongs to Him. Amen.

"And You open the door for me, Lord you laid down your life to set me free, Jesus you're everything I need"

Peter.

Edit: I forgot to write this in, but yeah life right now is pretty crazy, but with every victory God brings peace. So in the hecticness of everything at least in my mind I'm able to have that peace, and it's one of the best feelings. So yeah once again praise Jesus.

Praise God for Pressure

I'm struggling with my sins, and this time things are different because I know I have much more responsibility now. I'm stuck with an assignment that needs to get done, getting lazy, sleeping late, wasting time, not spending time in devotion, spending heaps of time playing starcraft, an issue with lust, an issue with taking care of my health and sleeping excessively.

But yeah as I said things are different now. Now I have a huge responsibility and eyes upon me (Youthgroup etc). This is because I mindlessly signed the leadership contract, because at the time I just did. I mean if I didn't do it I probably wouldn't be re-thinking everything right now. So that's why I'm praising God right now for the circumstance I'm in right now and at the end of it when I'm through with my trials it's going to show God's glory. Now I have a point to prove, that God is good enough for me to get through this.

The practical things are:
-is take away the laptop that was sitting next to my bed so that temptation is gone.
-Deleted all of my windows games (except for SC2) and always run mac so I don't have the icon to tempt me. Also just reminding myself that I need to get work done.
- pray in the morning saying that I need him

The things I need to do:
- Sleep earlier
- Pray and seek God more
- Put a list of the kids in my group somewhere visible to remind myself that I'm responsible for them
- Remind myself daily that I might have screwed up yesterday, but today is a new day and God can do something amazing whenever He wants too
- Do my uni readings
- Read my bible
- Talk to the people I trust (Earn trust by entrusting)
- Stop lying and think critically about my situation.
- Go gym
- Get license
- Remember that my God is a God who is so on top of things that my storms of my life (A cool thing I remember, is that Judah mentioned the disciples as experts. That's true that you are the expert of living you're own life haha).

So yeah I know there are alot of things I need to do and I need a lot of prayer discipline and work to get through this. But I know that it's not by my strength that these will get done, but by God's amazing grace over my life.

I know that I've struggled with these things before and for a very long I might add. I knew I would fall back on these subconsciously regardless of my super Hillsong high.
Thanks Pastor Jakes for teaching this lesson. That God is squeezing me, so that His grace will be revealed in my life.

"And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand" - Hillsong

Peter.

The foot hold has been let loose.

The hardest thing I did just now. I deleted Heroes of Newerth, COD, 2K10 and next in line will be Starcraft 2. After trying to just play some games to kill time, I realised that it always has begun that way, and I declared it was different every time but I set myself up for disappointment. So this time things are different. I'm giving up my weakness for His strength. This is because I now know that my God loves me, I'm beyond my situation as it the place I'm in is not who I am, and my God is not fussed with my storm. These are the messages I hold dear to my heart in everything. So praise the sleeping Messiah.

"You are hope, you have covered all my sin."

Peter.

At Peace.

This is what is up on my wall. Everytime I feel under pressure I just read these and it allows me to be at peace in circumstance. Just another thing I took from Hillsong. Oh, I'm glad that everything I learnt in my past means something now. Life changing.

I am a CARRIER of the RESURECTION life of JESUS CHRIST

I live in the more than a CONQUERING, NEW CREATION life

I live in the OVERCOMING FAITH FILLED VICTORIOUS life

I live in the HOLY GHOST EMPOWERED life

I live in the UNASHAMED ADOPTED and ACCEPTED life

I live in the CLEANSED CALLED CHOSEN life

I live in the HEALED WHOLE RESTORED life

I live in the JUSTIFIED SANCTIFIED and CRUCIFIED DAILY life

I live in the REFINING and RENEWING life

I live in the REJOICING REIGNING RULING life

"You are good, when there's nothing good in me"

Peter.

How do I teach?

I've been put with the task this week of leading bible study for the guys in my group tomorrow night. So I've been thinking about how do we teach something that is preached to me? Because I don't want to be preaching to them, because well it has no discussion or involvement. So then I started to think about my teachers in highschool and what they did to teach. And I quickly came to the conclusion that well they were essentially just preaching as well but with one key element which changes preaching to teaching. And that is asking questions and getting the students to even do the question. Pretty neat huh.

So I've been listening to the song Oh You Bring by hills, heaps these last few days as it is one of my favourite worship songs to listen to. It's simple got a steady beat to it and has that ability to bring that atmosphere of comfort to my surroundings and my mind. It's just amazing how we are reminded through this song that God is the solution to all of lifes problems. I love how it depicts so well how God is the one who opens our hearts and allows us to be able to hear what He has to say. It's not by our works at all that we are made righteous but by His gift of salvation. I think for me this song is a great way to remind myself in my struggles with life, I can be reminded that the creator of the world sees me as righteous because He has made me righteous by the cross and that at the end of the day I am loved.

Peter.

Had a bad day.

So here is the story that has repeated it self over so many times before.

- Woke up, slept in for thirty minutes extra had a shower went late for uni.
- Arrived at Uni and went to lecture and tutorial.
- Had lunch and spent time with my uni friend Jordan
- Went home changed and spent the rest of the day playing games.
- Ofcourse there was a dinner break for about an hour but the rest of the day very unproductive.

I didn't have the greatest day today. I can see that already as I start to live life again I can see the beginning of my oldself trying to re-establish itself once again. This state being described as self indulged, apathetic and self loathing. The issue here is that I'm forgetting about what is important and that is the grace of God in my life. Thus law immediately rushes into my life and tells me I am inadequate and a failure. But I know it isn't by my works that I am saved, but it is all God's grace.

Too often I have made the mistake of just letting my circumstance play out and bring me down. It's funny because I think that everytime I will be ok living a mediocre life, which ends up me being ultimately further away from God and people each time. But I can no longer accept this way of living anymore.

So I declare that my past life is dead and no longer has a root in my life, because I live in the OVERCOMING, FAITHFILLED, VICTORIOUS life which God has graced to me on the cross. And so there is nothing for me to be afraid of because through God all things are possible and no sin or addiction can seperate me from the love of Christ.

So for what it's worth, the lesson I take from today is simply this. God is everything I need and He deserves all honor and praise everyday of my life.

"All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship"

Peter.

The first post.

Well this is the first post of my worship blog. I don't really have much to say apart from the fact that I just spent about twenty minutes trying to figure out a decent blog link when it was going to be a private blog anyway. So anyway I don't have much to say right now because I'm really brain dead, but I thought I'd share this.

This is one of the lessons I learnt at hillsong from the amazing Bishop TD Jakes. And it is simply this. "Don't let one moment define who you are". Because otherwise you won't be able to see the blessings you have in your life. This struck the walls of what I thought I knew. He taught this out of the book of Ruth and well Naomi thought she had lost everything and let her situation define who she was and didn't realise the fact that Ruth was still with her was a blessing.I've allowed let my cirumstances to cloud the view of the blessings I do have.

How crazy is it that often what we have left is what God is going to bless us abundantly with.I mean Jesus fed the multitudes with only a few fish and some loaves of bread. Which begs the question, what do I have left? Well in a nutshell quite a bit. I can't even imagine what God can do with what I have left. All I know that is what ever happens it will be to glorify the King of majesty, Jesus. And well at the end of the day I am Loved, by the one who only matters.

"Your destiny is attached to not what you lost, but what you have left!" - TD Jakes.

Peter.